Find Your Love
Dissecting dating advice from a 7 year old
Yesterday, the 7 year old girl I nanny decided to give advice on how to get your crush to fall for you. Here it is, verbatim:
Fake an injury. Jump off a wall. Get a kiss.
Bring cake when his birthday was last weekend. Then go to an ice cream shop and while you wait for your order you won’t be able to help but give each other a big smooch.
Get your friends to fake tease you so then he will stand up for you.
Rent a house in a different country. Then say that you’re moving, he’ll feel sorry for you, you’ll fake cry, then move back so that he thinks you’re really nice.
“The moral of the story: pick a good looking boy and leave it to us!”
She said that last line out of nowhere like she was secretly advertising on The Truman Show. I asked her the name of her company and she exclaimed “Find Your Love” then proceeded to cut out a heart and write the logo inside.
I’m here to tell you that it might not be a bad investment. Let’s look closely.
Faking an injury isn’t desperate, it’s a power move. People fucking love playing hero (and getting second-hand sympathy). If a guy I was dating broke a bone, I’d 100% stay with them an extra month or so.
Now, when she says “jump off a wall” I don’t know if she’s suggesting to actually hurt yourself. But it worked for JLO in The Wedding Planner and there are plenty of movies/tv shows where “walls are broken down” after someone is injured or sick.
Maybe if you decide to jump, rent a bouncy castle a la Michael Scott (wow I can’t go more than a sentence without making a reference- this is why I need this company).
She said “get a kiss” with confidence- it’s a guarantee. Honestly, sometimes I’d rather jump off a wall in order to score, rather than go through the motions of a date.
Bringing a cake the weekend AFTER their birthday is genius. You’ll stand out from all those other basics that brought them something on their actual birthday.
Her mind was definitely on sweets, but there’s something to be said for getting hopped up on sugar in order to make a move. My version of this would be alcohol.
I believe she mentioned a waiter at this point, so this isn’t your average ice cream shop. The slow wait is key because while you’re feening for that next bit of sugar it only makes sense to pass the time by SMOOCHING. I can recommend at least 20 places in LA with a slow enough wait.
Another one that involves playing victim. This happens on about every season of The Bachelor where a girl claims she’s being bullied. And it works! Girl always gets that rose or extra time with the guy.
I think it’s a great test to see if your potential significant other would take your side when you’re venting about some drama. The only risk with the fake teasing is what if your friends use this as a chance to get out some pent up feelings? And what if your crush joins in the teasing?
Maybe have a back up plan. Like a freestyle rap where you absolutely roast the shit out of each of them. This will solidify that you’re 1. Cool 2. Don’t care 3. Could one day go on Wild ‘N Out.
I wish I had the innocence of a 7 year old to believe I could rent a house in another country. Going into debt might be worth this plan, though. Talk about ROMANCE! The adrenaline of a big move, the plane ride away, the crying.
Are they supposed to feel bad you moved out of America because I’m pretty sure that’s a win? Analyzing the order, it seems they feel sorry for you after you rent a house. So perhaps you say you’re leaving because you can’t handle the unrequited love. You then fake cry, to sell the fact this is hard a decision to make. If you need help fake crying, just think about the fact that a 7 year old felt the need to give dating advice to her 30 YEAR OLD BABYSITTER.
There is some time missing before the move back. I say use this time to check out the dating scene overseas before settling for this twat of a crush who didn’t come stop you at your gate (I don’t care that it’s not the 90s and you need to buy a ticket in order to get to my gate- figure it out).
According to her plan at some point he’ll want you, thus the moving back to convince him you’re REALLY NICE. This is fantastic ammunition for any future fights. “Oh you’re mad I didn’t do the dishes? Well, remember when I moved home from Italy for you and now I’m stuck with this fucking mortgage?!”
The moral of the story- to “pick a good looking boy” is one I didn’t learn until recently, so I’m surprised a 7 year old knows it. All your unrequited crushes (which seems to be the basis of her business plan) will turn out to be shitty. So might as well pick someone hot.
Are you sick of the boring swiping on dating apps? Do you want to do some risky activities and play manipulative mind games instead? Invest in Find Your Love today!