Connection Error

About a week ago our internet stopped working. A week before that it was in and out. And the couple weeks before that it was spotty. For months when we gathered to watch a show in the living room we had to all turn the Wifi on our phones off. Unless it was Netflix because somehow that’s the only streaming service that has their shit together.

Our problem is that we have an old router. We’re getting a new one sometime this week- fingers crossed we’re not fucked over by the internet fixing Gods who, as we all know, love to make things as complicated as possible. The other problem is we’re in a bit of a dead zone. I am constantly at one service bar. Therefore, even scrolling on social media or calling an Uber is hard. 

Lack of social media obviously has its perks. I’ve tried to go through friends’ stories but it just comes up blank so I give up- thus adding more time to my days. I try to send one of my rambling Snapchat videos to my friends and have to cancel the send, thus being less annoying. I can’t really go on Hinge, thus being less irritated. Oh, also, when you don’t answer a guy on Hinge for a few days and they hit you with “good talk” or “did you find a husband?” or anything about not answering- an easy unmatch. I was able to avoid Succession spoilers because Twitter didn’t load.

But even with no internet, we (at least I) will try to distract at all costs. I thought losing internet would be cleansing. But I still found myself mindlessly trying to scroll. Filming those snap videos, opening Twitter, checking if our internet returned every ten minutes. I actually have a decent handle on my screentime. I’m good at creating boundaries for myself and not letting it consume me. I think *dare I say* ~millennials~ do well with this, despite the stereotype. However, without the option of it, my brain was on the fritz. I downloaded a PHONE GAME. I’m not a phone game person- nothing against it but I know I’d get addicted so I normally don’t go there. I watched Succession super blurry on a hot spot even though I told myself I’d wait to watch when it was clear.

By the way I AM HARD for the writers and directors of Succession. And the actors. Holy shit what an episode. I think part of why I watched is that I enjoy the community aspect of a Sunday night HBO show. It’s something you don’t get with streaming. I love how everyone is tuning in week to week and experiencing it together. 

It goes along with why I felt the need to distract myself more with no internet. I hate to admit it, but there is a community that exists online. Especially being someone who lives across the coast from her closest friends, there’s a literal connection error that comes with no internet. People will argue their little heads off as to whether this is good or bad. I don’t care to get into that- there’s pros and cons and this is just what we were born into.

I will say that I think I need to step back from distracting myself. Which this week has made me realize, along with a story that I outlined before this mess. As I said, I don’t consider myself social media obsessed. However I found myself with a bit of a podcast fixation this year. Mainly- self-help podcasts. I saw a pattern where a lot of times when I’d go on a walk, I’d listen to a self-help podcast. Or a podcast that “improves writing procrastination” or “how to make the most of your writing ideas”. 

The problem was I was listening but not doing. Listening to a self-help podcast feels like when you would go to get your back-to-school supplies. It’s this rushing feeling of getting your shit together, like you’re on the precipice of being your best self. But there’s still a couple of weeks until school starts. You don’t have to do it now. These highly rated self-help podcasts were becoming my shiny new binders. But they were piling up and nothing was filling them.

So I created a story about a guy who takes long walks and listens to self-help podcasts. He ends up losing his AirPods and goes on a some silent walks until new ones are delivered. During the silent walks, he notices a huge conspiracy going on in his town. His life basically turns into a thriller movie. The point of the story being: when you take a second to not distract, life can be more exciting or you start to notice things. Also, the guy is a very flawed action hero- he barely survives each encounter with the “bad guys”. Why? Because he spent all this time listening to self-help podcasts but not actually implementing any of the tips.

To get into the character I had to ask myself why the character would be so obsessed with self-help podcasts. I say “the character” because, unlike me, he has no self awareness about his issue and is a very exaggerated version of my personal problem. Why would this character keep listening to self-help podcasts? He is waiting for one quote to resonate with him, one epiphany to come out of one episode. The right podcast will lead him on the right path. Something will stick and propel him out of his funk. 

I won’t reveal too much story because I would like to open that tab for the public soon. The point is- this character, me, and I think many of us look to distract ourselves. But in hidden ways. It’s not always the obvious: Instagram, Twitter, reality shows. Sometimes it’s those transition moments of the day when you choose to brush your teeth with a rewatch podcast on, rather than in silence. Or you create a really pretty to do list in a really pretty notebook but don’t really cross anything out. Or you spend a long time choosing between things. 

I’m the queen of decision paralysis. But with no internet I have to go somewhere to download a few shows- choosing ahead of time. When I have a few service bars, I have to take a step back and think about what connection I want to make. I mean, this is my cross to bear in life. It’s why this very blog post is going in a million different directions. It’s the whole basis of calling this Savvy Tabs.

Writing without the internet- or using slow moving data on my phone- is allowing me to see how many tabs I open while writing. Again, there are pros and cons. I think my ADD brain helps me create some cool ass stories. There’s a lot of thought and research that goes into them. From psych research, to historical research, to character research. For example, that character who loses his AirPods is based on an architect in Culver City. And a lot of the history of Culver City is in that story. Will an audience be able to see all those open tabs behind a simple sentence? Probably not. But it’s how I work and I like to think it enriches the story. 

With working internet, the random tabs don’t feel like all these tedious steps nor time wasted. It happens in one motion. So taking the internet away is slowing me down. A major con with a few pros. I think it’s freeing me up to write less perfectly. And I suppose focusing on one thing at a time is something I’ve been wanting to work on. But as I’m writing this stream-of-consciousness I’m having a realization. AND I PROMISE it will somewhat come to a conclusion.

Maybe “living in this day and age” has exacerbated my ADD. I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT buy into the whole “everyone has ADD because of the times we live in.” Bullshit, it’s a chemical thing that’s existed forever and just went undiagnosed. It’s a real problem. But when you’ve had it for so long (especially for a long time not knowing you had it) you learn to work with it. Even lean into it sometimes. As I said, living in a world with a shit ton of options and possible tabs probably presses on it. But maybe it also allows us to use it to our benefit?

Even those without ADD, who simply are good multitaskers and jump from one thing to the next, are not being demonized by the internet. I think we get this advice from self-help shit that says we must be more mindful, we must delete social media. Or the writing podcasts that say I must only focus on one project at a time and I shouldn’t do any research while writing a draft. We take this- I’ll call it “advice for the masses”- as the answer. But a solution for the majority is not the solution for every single human. Some of us need the god damn internet to Google “how an IUD insertion works” while we write our musical (a Savvy Tab coming soon).

So do I recommend living with no internet? I think not. Whether it’s my way of working or how necessary the internet has become (such as calling an Uber) it’s just not worth it. I do recommend more silence in your life, even if it’s just in little moments. Maybe taking a step back and taking a breath before making a decision. Not distracting yourself with false productivity. Checking in with how often you’re opening apps or tabs, but with no judgement. If it’s helping you connect or create or lean into your unique self, then keep with it. If it’s causing you to watch one of the best episodes of television blurry, maybe work on your patience or take a moment to consider. 

RUNDOWN:

-I’m sorry Savvy Tabs has been scarce. No internet isn’t great for the blog medium. And posting up at coffee shops is not my scene. I’m currently at one now, drinking a fucking $8 tea just so I can schedule this post. Also music is blasting. How do people get work done?

-LUCKILY I’ve still been writing my butt off and got some good stuff on the way: the musical, the missing air pods story, and thoughts that are somewhat more cohesive. 

-The internet is good for: connection/community, and for some brains in certain situations (remember- advice for the masses doesn’t apply to everyone). So embrace what works for you.

-The internet is bad for: over-distracting and decision paralysis. So maybe take a step back here and there. But do not let your router die.

-SUCCESSION BABY