Where the Fuck is My BC?

the musical

(part two)

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT
Lucy’s world is still animated, but a modern animation (last decade of Disney). She thanks a worker at the laundromat, having searched there for her Birth Control.

As she walks back to her apartment it’s inexplicably snowing.

She see’s a garbage truck outside her apartment, has an “aha” moment, and runs inside up to her place.

The tune of Do You Want to Build a Snowman.

INT. APARTMENT
Lucy rushes to her trash can.

LUCY
Birth control?

She opens it up and begins to dig.

LUCY
Are you in the Trash Can?
Come on I don’t want to play.
It’s like hide and seek,
Except it’s bleak
At least give me a Fridayyyy.
We used to stay together,
But now you left
I wish you could hear me yellll.
Are you in the trash can?

Lucy fails in the trash and continues to lazily and sadly check places she’s already checked.

LUCY
Or are you in the afghan?

She shakes out her throw blanket. Nothing.

LUCY
What the hellllll.

We see her searching more unlikely places.

INT. LUCY’S PARENTS HOUSE
Her parents watch disapprovingly as she searches their place.

LUCY
Are you in my mom’s van?
Or between the cushions of her chair?

INT. GROCERY STORE
Lucy sings and glides on a cart down the aisles, continuing her search.

LUCY
I think some estrogen
Is overdue,
I started spotting through
My cutest underwear.

Random guy at the store gives her a dirty look.

LUCY
Oh fuck off, dude.

INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT
Lucy slumps on her couch, glaring at her iPhone.

LUCY
It get’s a little silly.
All this wasted time.
When I could call a helpline...

*ring. ring. ring*

As Lucy is on her phone we cut to:

THE SCENE PLAYS OUT LIKE THE NON-LYRIC SCENE IN “DO YOU WANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAN” - THE DRAMATIC MUSIC OF THE ELSA’S PARENTS LEAVING AND GOING ON A BOAT TO A STORMY SEA EXCEPT:

The audience see’s the adventure Lucy’s birth control has taken. First: getting put into one of her pockets- dark, claustrophobic. Then being taken somewhere…

INT. DRY CLEANER’S
We watch the Birth Control get thrown into the washer by a pair of young hands.

Scary music as the chemical solvent gets poured in. It hangs tight in the pocket as the washer begins to spin.

DRY CLEANER OWNER
(from off screen)
Did you check the pockets?

The door of the washer opens. A 12 year old boy, DRY CLEANER SON, removes the garments. He is animated like a modern Disney Character.

DRY CLEANER SON
Oh no. Oh no.

He empties the pockets- an old ID, a lip gloss, and the Birth Control. He runs over to the window, opens it, and puts all the items by it to dry.

He stares at the birth control, in wonder.

DRY CLEANER SON
What are these sad little candies?

The Birth Control opens its eyes, animated like the SCHOOL HOUSE ROCK BILL

BIRTH CONTROL
Well I’m just a pill
Yes I’m only a pill
And I’m sitting here on a windowsill.
It’s been a long long journey
All around the city
It’s been a long long wait
But I don’t need no one’s pity
Cause I know Lucy will get me soon
At least I pray she will
Sometimes she takes a chill on her pills.

DRY CLEANER SON
Gee, pill. How long you’ve been
stuck in there? Who’s Lucy?
And why does she take you?

Birth Control looks at the kid and realizes it will get through to him with a more modern tune-
How Far I’ll Go by Moana.

Birth control longingly stares out of the window, a dramatic breeze comes in.

BIRTH CONTROL
I’ve been sitting inside of this blazer
For long as I can remember
Never asking Lucy why
I wish that I could break out and chase her
But I have no limbs nor face nor
Voice to shout exclaim and cry

The boy watches Birth Control, with pity. He inspects Lucy’s old ID while he listens.

BIRTH CONTROL
Every turn I take
Every where I stay
Every path I make
Gets further away
To the place I know where I need to go
Where I become…

Birth Control explains to Son how it “becomes” by using images of it going/working through the body like navigating a ship a la Moana.

BIRTH CONTROL
See between the bladder and rectum,
It gets numb
When I thickennnn
Cervical mucussss
If a guys sperm enters when he comes, I can block them
From the uterussss
If I’m missed, there’s just no telling what Lucy may risk!

Dry Cleaner Son looks horrified as to what he just learned, but he nods at Birth Control in understanding of the situation, then pockets it.


INT. LUCY’S APARTMENT
No longer animated, Lucy is on the phone but it goes to voicemail. The doctors office is closed. She realizes it’s 5 PM and rushes to get ready.

She does her makeup, looking at herself, disappointed. She has quick flashbacks of other times she’s lost important items.

The tune of MAMMA MIA HERE WE GO AGAIN begins as:

Lucy rips off a post-it note on her bathroom mirror that say’s “I Am a Queen.”

LUCY
I’ve been cheated by me
since I don’t know when
Even when I said,
it would come to an end

Lucy dances through her apartment as she half-ass cleans up and puts out snacks and drinks.

LUCY
Look at me now,
will I ever learn?
I don’t know how,
but I always lose control
There’s a child within my soul

She throws out a self-help “adulting book” then takes a shot.

LUCY
Just one sec
and I’ll hear the bell ring.

The bell rings and she buzzes her friends up.

LUCY
One fun night
and I’ll forget everything.

Lucy’s friends- Rose and Gwen enter. The mood/ tone becomes Mama Mia-eqsue. Her friends dressed in colorful, fun outfits.

ROSE AND GWEN
Mama Mia, here you go again
My, My, how could you misplace it?
Mama Mia, it’s a mess again
My, my, such a classic Lucy bit.

LUCY
Yes, I’ve been idiotic
I must need new psychotics..

Her and her friends laugh, they’re singing lightheartedly and joking but Lucy gets solemn.

LUCY
Why, why, do I always do this?
Mama Mia, now I really wish
“Lucy Loser” was not a bit.

INT. BATHROOM
Rose notices Lucy’s “I am a Queen” post-it crumpled in her trashcan.

INT. LIVING ROOM
Some empty glasses on the table as Gwen and Lucy talk.

GWEN
We don’t say that meaning legit loser.
It’s a joke because you lose stuff.

LUCY
I am a legit loser.

Rose enters and gives Gwen a “it’s bad” look.

GWEN
Well, I forget to take my birth
control like all the time.

LUCY
Really?

GWEN
Yea. And Frank gets mad about it. He
thinks it shouldn’t be so hard to remember.

LUCY
Thats not fair!

ROSE
Lucy, how long have you
been taking birth control?

LUCY
Since I was seventeen.

ROSE
And how many times have you lost it?

LUCY
Permanently? Like gone in
the wind? Maybe 3-5.

ROSE
Okay so that’s like
(singing *seasons of love style*)
4 million 200 thousand 900 hundred minutes...

LUCY
(breaking fourth wall)
Don’t worry, we’re not doing Rent.

GWEN
Why are you counting in minutes?

ROSE
To show the scope of how long you’ve
had to keep track of it. I don’t know the
conversion but only losing it three times?
That’s winning.

GWEN
You’re not a loser you’re a winner.

Dancing Queen tune plays
as they continue to pregame with a more uplifting mood and help get Lucy ready.

ROSE AND GWEN
You are the winning Queen
Smart and neat?

They look at each other and her half cleaned room like “eh”.

ROSE AND GWEN
Since Seventeen!

They hit the town dancing together.

INT. BARS

ROSE AND GWEN
Winning Queen
Feel the beat from the touch tunes machine
Oh yeah!
You can twerk…

Lucy attempts to “twerk” but it’s awkward.

ROSE AND GWEN
….Nevermind
But you’re having the time of your life!
Oooh see that girl
Watch that scene

They point to a HOT GUY across the room who’s watching Lucy.

ROSE AND GWEN
He’s digging the winning queen!

As the tune fades out we see Lucy leaving the bar with HOT GUY.

CURTAIN CLOSE

TO BE CONTINUED