The Unsubscribe Theory
Sometimes I wish I lived in the days of carrier pigeons. So I didn’t have to respond to emails or go through the “talking phase” of modern dating. I’d simply ignore any mail sent my way, maybe use it as fuel for my hearth. And when I wanted to break things off with someone- I’d just give my note to the not-yet-government-controlled bird to deliver the message. The burden would literally be lifted.
Now our absolutely-government-controlled devices carry that burden in our pockets. Ending a relationship /situationship/ “talking phase” with an emotionally unintelligent person (let’s just say man to make it easier) is like unsubscribing from spam emails or iPhone apps.
When you tell someone you’re done, they may try to come up with an argument to deter the rejection. Similar to the promotional email that places the unsubscribe button at the very bottom, in the smallest font possible. And it will be the longest email ever when you decide that it’s time to unsubscribe. So you really have to scroll. Like when a guy senses you pulling away and sends you paragraph texts that make no sense because their ego is hurt.
Then when you unsubscribe another window opens asking “why are you choosing to leave us?” Just like that one guy who will ask you “why?” over and over again when you’re trying to cut things off. And I think it’s fair to give a reason. But even if you say the truth they sometimes come back with their own version. IRL examples:
Talking Phase: Me- “I don’t see us being a match because our values don’t align.” Them- “so you’re judging me and aren’t open minded?!”
Casually Dating: Me- “I’ve realized I’m not in a place to date.” Them- “Wow, you never liked me, this was just a game to you.”
Situationship: “I don’t want to hook up anymore because I’m getting hurt.” Them- “Oh it’s all on me then? You’re just not going to talk to me?”
I’m the one unsubscribing- I don’t need you to tell me why. When you unsubscribe from an app it hits you with: choose one of these reasons- too expensive, this no longer serves my purpose, etc. But you don’t know me like that, Calm app! Don’t put me in a box. It’s actually because I meditated for a week in January then didn’t for the rest of the year and yes okay- I’m poor.
Apps, I know you’re asking for your research team to help make the app better- that’s actually fair. Men, if you’re refusing to accept my reasoning- hire your own research team (a therapist).
Once you finally unsubscribe they’re like “thanks for the feedback! Have a FUCKING WONDERFUL FANTASTIC DAY! I DIDN’T NEED YOU TO SUBSCRIBE ANYWAY.” How classic is it for a guy to respond the same way and needing the last word. “I wish you nothing but the best.” *You don’t respond.* “And I’m glad I got to know you. *You don’t respond.*
The truly unhinged ones will find their way back into your inbox. Like the ex I told I needed space from, but then showed up at my door unannounced with a bagel. The headline of that online store you just unsubscribed from is offering 90% off. Feels good to be wanted back, and it’s hard to resist a fresh bagel. But stay strong, my friends!
We have to take some of the blame for not unsubscribing. First, we try to give hints before “unsubscribing”- so we don’t hurt the other person’s feelings. Maybe if we don’t open that spam email for the third week in a row, they’ll stop. It also stems from laziness and avoidance of conflict. Like I’d rather just swipe to delete the email when I see it in my inbox than go through the motions of unsubscribing.
I still get emails from Philadelphia Rock Gym- which I went to once ten years ago. Why did I subscribe to their mailing list? Because it seemed like something I wanted to try. Why didn’t I unsubscribe? Maybe part of me still wants to be that person who will go to a rock climbing gym. Maybe some of us think “well what if when I’m 40 and unmarried and finally rock climbing because I’m so alone I’ll need to settle with that one guy who says he’s not so sure if the earth is round.”
Of course, we also like the attention. Even if it’s from someone or something we’re not interested in. If I didn’t get an email from Dominos everyday I’d probably have a sad looking inbox. But just keep in mind- the more you crowd your inbox with junk, the more your worthy emails become harder to find. (wow profound note to end on).