Late Night Opener
from January 2017
There are reports that the iPhone may come out with a theater mode. People are speculating that it will allow you to dim your screen and silence notifications. Our sources say the feature will also include: Sparknotes; a selection of tweets about the movie that is guaranteed at least three favorites; a genuine laugh button for when you don’t understand the obscure joke during the film, but everyone next to you is laughing; and a binge option, where you can actually watch five episodes of Friends during the film.
What we really need is a “help I haven’t fallen but I’m confused” button for the old people in the theaters. If you press the button, a person runs out and whispers in your ear the answer to the question you’re about to ask: yes that was another preview with that Franco fellow making sex jokes, no I don’t know if that actor is Jewish, yes I will help you unwrap the sucky candy in your purse.
Speaking of people who suck candies, Paul Ryan says he will defund Planned Parenthood. I’m sorry, did I say people who suck candies? I meant boys who still suck the conservative milk from both their mother and father’s teats. I know looking like a Hey Arnold character served as your birth control throughout adolescence, but some of us weren’t born with that luxury. Seriously, can we stop with these religious white males making decisions about our rights?
If I wanted that I would’ve elected the old man who’s always drunk in my local Irish pub, telling me that “if only he was a little younger....” Listen Sir, I don’t care if you walked in looking like a young Biden, if you ask me dance on the bar to “Come On Eileen” one more time, I’m going to take all of your money and give you a pap smear.
SPEAKING OF Q-tips with what looks to be yeasty discharge on the tip... Donald Trump went to Twitter and asked his followers to “RETWEET if they think Obamacare should be repealed”. Yes, our President Elect is using the same method to make decisions about national policy that Bachelor fans used last Monday to decide whether a contestant was a shark or a dolphin.
There’s another contestant on the Bachelor who “runs a multimedia dollar company.” But in full disclosure it is her dad’s company that she “runs” while her nanny, Raquel, brings her snacks so… Trump plans to hire her as his next cabinet member. Or perhaps she’s Trump’s soulmate. If Raquel shows up at the fantasy suite with a washcloth and urine removal spray, she might just be his gal.
The bachelor does give us hope for a better America because it shows that you can live in the mansion for two different seasons, try your luck at beating a douche with a tan (show Nick and Josh on Bachelor in Paradise) and then finally come out on top after one last try *cough,cough* (show picture of Hillary Clinton). Or better yet do what they did a couple seasons ago and let the contestants decide who they want based on who gets the most votes. Wait a second… (show another picture of Hillary Clinton).
SPEAKING OF doing anything to get the attention of a rich single man, Trump continues to wear his low cut sparkly gown (show picture of Trump’s face on body of a Bachelorette contestant) for the one and only Putin. The senate plans to “investigate the alleged Russia hacks” but let’s be real- the only thing that will truly get investigated after the next couple months will be Putin’s colon... Because Trump is so far up his ass.
SPEAKING OF colonoscopies- that’s right I can continue to use gross body stuff as segues as long as the political climate remains this way- it was just announced that the country duo “Big and Rich” will be performing at Trump’s inauguration gala. So yes, if you are getting a colonoscopy anytime soon just think, you could be somewhere worse.
Or in Texas. God damn Texas, the only good thing to come out of you in the last century is Friday Night Lights. Stop trying to limit access to transgender bathrooms. It's 2017: gender is fluid, fluids are fluids: clear pee, full stream, can't lose. I don't need a figure on the door to tell me where I can pee and can’t pee. I've peed everywhere. If we're going by dog rules and peeing is "marking your territory" then I own all of the parking lots surrounding Lincoln Financial Field.
Oh and by the way to all you guys who want to defund Planned Parenthood: if me and my girlfriends can manage to get a free case of Natural Lights and a joint on public transit to Linc at the age of 16, you better bet your balls we’ll find a way to get free birth control. And we'll do it the same way we did it then: by being smarter than you.