The Hero’s Journey to the Girls Bathroom

Ordinary World:

“The hero is oblivious of the adventure to come. Safe place, true nature, capabilities, and outlook on life.”

I’m at the bar my friends call home. We always reside at the long table by the windows- neon sign of the bar glowing on our joyous faces as we belt music from the 90s and early 2000s. I’m in my world- capable of drinking pitchers of stale beer and knowing every word to Piano Man. My outlook on life is positive except for the lack of hot guys at the bar.  Nevertheless, my inhibitions are low and my spirits are high.

 

Call To Adventure:

“The hero’s adventure begins when he receives a call of action, a direct threat to his safety, way of life, peace of the community… disrupts the comfort of the ordinary world.”

The metaphorical call of nature. I have to pee. Obvious threat- I can’t pee my pants. That’d make friends feel less at peace- though they are non-judgemental and I once watched one puke on this very floor. But it could get us kicked out. It’s a threat to my way of life - I ‘d like to uphold a reputation of never having peed myself. It’s affecting my comfort, ability to dance and drink freely without disturbing my bladder.

 

Refusal of Call:

“The hero is eager to accept the quest, but will have fears that need overcoming…Doubts. They’ll refuse the call and suffer. The comfort of home is more attractive than the road ahead.”

I GOTTA go but don’t want to leave my seat. Have you ever stood in line for a girls bathroom at a bar? My impatient ass isn’t up for the challenge. And the crowd to get to that line? I fear the strangers I’d have to get through. So I suffer more because my bladder seems to be shrinking and the crowd is growing. But 10 good songs just queued up. And OF COURSE the first hot guy just appeared from thin air.

 

Meeting the Mentor:

“The hero needs guidance. The mentor figure gives him something he needs. He could be given an object of great importance, insight, advice, practical training, self confidence.”

You tell your girls you have to pee. A collective “woof” because they know. The wise one says to go- she went and feels so much better. She gives you advice on the route to take through the crowd. She says she’ll wait for you to take a shot even though she won’t. Maybe she’ll give you a beer to take for the line, or a tampon, or hand sanitizer. She slur screams “just go you got this” and continues to dance to ABBA.

 

Crossing the Threshold:

“The hero is ready to begin his quest. He finally crosses the threshold between the world he is familiar with and that which he is not. The action signifies his commitment to his journey.”

I leave the table and one step out of my circle makes it impossible to squeeze back in. My friends are in my past now. I face the “others”; groups who seem foreign even though they’re the doppleganger friend groups to mine. They’re in their own world. Once I say excuse me (ten octaves higher than my normal voice) to the first person and shoulder past them, I’m gone.

 

Test, Allies, Enemies:

“The hero is confronted with an ever more difficult series of challenges that test him. Obstacles are thrown across his path, whether physical or people bent on thwarting his progress.”

“The hero needs to find out who can be trusted and who can’t. He may earn allies and meet enemies. His powers are tested.”

Some “others” won’t let me through, in which case I must become extra stealthy and somehow turn into Gumby. When I’m drunk and my depth perception is off- sucking in really does feel like I can squeeze through the smallest openings. So I bump into a table, a drink spills on me,  people give me dirty looks as I pass through. And a test as I come to being stuck behind a traffic jam of drunkards.

A path through the bar illuminates. As if I have put on spy gadget glasses and am able to see the way- potential danger spots (and if I scan a face is it telling me that strangers ABV level?). The maze is filled with zig-zags, loops, and may require a spin move or two. I encounter allies- the girl who sees me and tells her football player guy friends to move because they are oblivious to the plight of a female bar goer.  A guy moves and as I nod in thanks he touches my lower back as if I need to be herded- fake ally. At the bathroom line, which is now down the stairs, the girl at the end tells you how long she’s been waiting & cracks some jokes. Ally. That same girl may also end up letting her friends cut in line later- ally who can’t be trusted.

 

Approach the Inmost Cave:

“The inmost cave represents the actual location which lies a terrible danger, or an inner conflict which up until now the hero hasn’t faced. He must make his final preparations before taking the leap into the great unknown. He must find courage.”

Outside the bathroom, front of the line- not including the mini line inside where I hear chaos. I’ve been gone from home for so long that I face my inner conflict: FOMO. What if I’m missing the best moment of the night? I see my guy friend go in and out of the men’s bathroom because there is no line. Another inner conflict: do I sneak to the guys room?  But I remember the time I got kicked out for that and…

I reflect upon my journey.  I’ve made it this far, I must continue. For all the women out there. For my future self. The door opens, nearly hitting me in the face. A girl comes out looking like she just fought 10 demons. I take the step inside.

 

Ordeal:

“Your greatest fear and most physical challenge. “Only through some sort of death can the hero be reborn.”

Naturally, the song I paid to play on Touchtunes comes on when I enter the bathroom which is playing different music? There is toilet paper everywhere that I have to somehow not get stuck to me. Someone is crying, someone is puking, a bunch of girls are in one stall which means the wait is even longer. Pure anarchy. Every stall is out of TP. One toilet is clogged so everyone is operating out of two stalls.

Face the stall, use my skills- sit above the toilet, shake to dry, somehow manage to stand above the toilet in the one place without unidentified liquids. I have to hold the bathroom door closed whilst squatting. Someone knocks on the stall just as I’m about to go. Every worst case scenario is at play. Death of dignity, death of my white converse, death of my immune system, death of my faith in the human race.

 

Reward:

“After defeating the enemy, surviving death and finally overcoming his greatest personal challenge, the Hero is ultimately transformed into a new state, emerging from battle as a stronger person and often with a prize.”

I emerge reborn. Before I wanted to murder everyone in the bathroom. Now I’m saying “sorry” to the next person who comes into the stall. For some reason we do that as women- say sorry when we go by each other to get into the stall of the bathroom- as if it’s the other girl’s home toilet.

The girls in the bathroom become my community. It’s no longer a place of misery but one of camaraderie. I make-up with the girl who let her friends cut in line and give unsolicited advice to the crying girl. I’m okay that I missed time “home” because five different girls just complimented me. I step on toilet paper that is sticking to someone's foot. My reward is my empty bladder.

 

The Road Back:

“Now he must return home with his reward but this time the anticipation of danger is replaced with that of acclaim.”

I’m walking on air, so I make it through the crowd easier, head held high. Some random table offers me a beer (I don’t take it). But I’m feeling like Ferris Bueller on the parade float. Hey even that song is playing!

 

Resurrection:

“The climax in which the hero has his final encounter. Something of far greater consequences. If he fails he will suffer. And greater consequences to those he left behind.”

I finally see my table- so close, yet so far. But there’s a problem. While I was on my quest, the couples left. One of my friends happens to be interacting with an “other.” One is barely coherent. Another is at the bar getting more beers. Piranha’s are circling the table- closing in on the open spots. Ready to pounce and take over our homeland. I must get to the table before it is taken.  

With my new found confidence, my first “excuse me” (a few octaves lower than my normal voice) causes the crowd to part like the Red Sea. I crawl under the table to get to one of the open seats. I get the friend at the bar’s attention to hurry back while laying coats and purses on the open seats. I dance like one of those inflatable car dealership things to take up as much space as possible. The piranhas scurry away (probably intimidated by my dance moves) and our homeland is safe.

 

Return With The Elixir:

“Hero will have grown as a person, learned many things, faced many terrible dangers but now looks forward to the start of a new life. His return may bring fresh hope to those he left behind, or perhaps a new perspective for everyone to consider.”

This says it all- I’m back to living my life, but it feels new with an empty bladder. I become a mentor to another girl who has to pee and tell her it wasn’t that bad. My new perspective is that I will petition for a second girls bathroom at the bar and I won’t shut the fuck up about it for the rest of the night.

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One Leap Forward, Ten Steps Back