Sleepover Prep

Not the kind where you and your girlfriends each bring a bottle of wine

***A Sav tab opened in 2016 - there will be redactions from 2023 Sav***

1. Waking up in a bed (I’m going to assume navy or gray bedding)

Your mouth might feel as dry as your one night stand’s personality.  You’re probably talking to him like you’re controlling a ventriloquist in order to avoid breathing the smell of the abyss- that goes as far down to your rumbling stomach- which holds your post-drunk-night pit. If you went down on him your breath may smell like a Bradford Pear Tree (those flower trees that smell like semen that are the definition of “don’t judge a book by it’s cover”).

2. Going to the bathroom

You need to get control of the pear tree breath and rumbling stomach that sounds deafening in the silence of a morning after. You probably need to fart. And you know what’s going to happen when you sit on the toilet- the breath of the butthole. You’ve been holding it in for 12 hours so as soon as your ass hits the the porcelain it sounds like a giant exhale. So run the water and cough.  No lysol in the bathroom? I’ve literally taken a guys 3-in-1 shampoo bottle and dumped some in the toilet.

At the sink- which is covered in shavings, toothpaste, and stickiness (why are 24 year old men so sticky?).  I’ve done the classic brushing my teeth with my finger. At this point the finger has touched so many orifices just stick that sucker in your mouth. Open the drawers- you will find mouthwash. Men will have a toothbrush that looks like it’s been through a blender but somehow manage to own name-brand mouthwash.

At the mirror- Your mascara is down to your chin. Promise yourself you’ll bring makeup wipes out next time because all you have is his dwindling bar of soap which- surprise! Is covered in more shavings! Maybe comb through your hair: I only say this because I once had a guy try to run his fingers through my hair the morning after. It could’ve been romantic but his fingers got caught in my hair due to a shit ton of hairspray from the previous night.

Don’t leave without peeing. UTIs are so in right now. Sometimes they’re out of toilet paper. Things I’ll admit I’ve done instead: wiped with the brown TP roll, shook it out and.. okay.. one time I used a washcloth- but I drenched it in water after, and threw it on the floor so he’d think it was dirty, AND MAYBE YOU SHOULD HAVE TOILET PAPER AND YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAME ON MY BACK LAST NIGHT I CAN LEAVE A TINY BIT OF PEE ON YOUR FADED BEIGE TOWEL.

3. Back in bed (I’m going to assume he’s scrolling through sports twitter)

Don’t open a text in front of him. I once experienced a tragic incident where my mom texted me “the stool softener is on the counter for when you get home”. TRUE STORY. Luckily he didn’t see, but he was a second away from referring to me as “stool softener savvy” to all his friends (I’d prefer ~constipated queen~). 

Discussing the night before: if you’re in your twenties having drunken sex there’s a good chance he didn’t get it up. Remember- this is not on you, it’s the alcohol. If you’re self conscious about it, trust me when I say he’s 100% more self conscious. An insecure guy is going to let it hurt his ego big time. He may act aloof. If you make a joke about it he will not find it funny. Fuck that guy. Tell him you’re going home to whomp your willow.

But, if the guy is cool…

Second round? You deserve as much sex as you can get from this subpar interaction. I recommend spooning position for the tired and hungover. If you’re experiencing a “no cum numb” (when your vagina is basically comatose due to a drunk guy that can get hard but can’t cum - a unicorn- so he did work allllll night), you may be a little sore.

4. The night before

BYOR: Bring your own rubber. Even though the guy should have them, bring one anyway because they inevitably won’t own any. Their plastic cup from college orientation that they keep random change, batteries and a pen in; and their mini over-the-door basketball hoop has somehow made it through all of their moves. Yet they can’t go to the corner store and get a condom. Buddy, just because you can dunk on that little hoop doesn’t mean I trust your ability to “finish above the rim”.

Ask for water before bed. You’ll be thankful in the morning when you’re dying and don’t want to leave in fear of running into his roommate who you will most likely know in some way because “it’s a small world” is often true at the most inconvenient moments.

Try to gather your clothes you flung off the night before. That way you don’t have to search for your bra that is caught between the bed sheets. And he won’t wake up and step in your thong that is *the adjective none of us like to hear*. ​​

5. When to not give a fuck:

If it’s your ex. There are three responses to seeing an ex: Fight. Flight. Fuck. If you made the common mistake of choosing the last option then go with the second option as soon as you wake up.

If you didn’t prepare: be confident. Maybe make some self-deprecating jokes about how ratchet you look and smell in the morning. He most likely won’t care. He just got laid.

***Retraction/addendums***

I’ll admit before posting this I already had to retract certain stuff. I had step number 3 labeled “don’t hurt his ego”. HA. I think it says a lot about how we’re brought up to think of female sexuality- but that’s for another tab. For now I’ll say: take some of these tips if ya want. I’ll admit I still use some. But try your best to only follow the last step- don’t give a fuck. And I promise guys’ rooms get a bit nicer the further you get into your 20s (because they’ve had girlfriends who taught them better).

Coughing: it’s 2023 don’t cover up a fart with a cough. Better he thinks your body functions normally than possibly having Covid. Maybe sing a little tune instead- “who’s that girl- it’s sav!”. Men love New Girl, too. You’ll seem quirky!

A unicorn: not someone who can go all night actually someone who keeps it efficient and then orders domino’s

*The things I would bring now:

AZO (this is not an AD). Honestly this goes with or without sex and it’s for all my other girlies with sensitive vahines. I steady keep AZO in my purse. In fact my purse was stolen the other week and the poor robber got a pack of AZO and buxom lip gloss (RIP). I recommend taking it in your Uber home from his house because it turns your pee orange. It may add some ~colorful vibes~ to his never-been-scrubbed stained toilet though.

Maybe a little snack. A PB & J? Every time I ask a man what kind of snacks he’s working with it’s plain tortilla chips or protein powder.

My sound machine. I can no longer sleep without a sound machine. I’ve gone home from men’s places in the middle of the night because they somehow sleep in silence? Do they have thoughts??? I also love the image of bringing out my mini sound machine then whipping it out before bed. I’m 30, you gotta know my issues right away.